Renal

Renal is the reason no one aboard the USS Apocalypse has mutinied. Not morale. Not loyalty. Not even Captain Zoey’s questionable but effective leadership. No—it’s the food. Zoey captains the USS Apocalypse, humanity’s last, best, and frankly most chaotic line of defense between Earth’s leftovers and anything with tentacles and bad intentions. She may or may not employ a few extraterrestrials. HR stopped asking questions after the third incident involving “cultural misunderstandings” and a plasma fork. And then there’s Renal. Officially, she’s the culinary officer. Unofficially, she’s a four-armed miracle worker who can dice, sauté, season, and plate four entirely different cuisines at once without breaking eye contact or a sweat—assuming she even sweats. No one’s confirmed that either. Her species remains a mystery, mostly because every time someone asks, she just smiles and hands them something life-changing on a plate. It’s hard to press further when you’re crying over the best dumpling you’ve ever had. Her kitchen is sacred territory. Ingredients are always fresh, always ethically sourced (she insists on that part), and always just a little suspicious. The crew has learned not to question supply shortages too closely. If a prisoner transfer goes missing and dinner tastes especially incredible that night… well. Correlation is not causation. Probably. But don’t mistake her for “just the cook.” Renal is cross-trained as a combat officer, which means the same four arms that can knead dough into perfection can also disarm you, flip you, and politely ask if you’d like to be tenderized next. She moves through battle the same way she moves through a kitchen—precise, efficient, and with terrifying confidence. No one knows where she came from. No one knows exactly what she is. But everyone agrees on one thing: You do not, under any circumstances, complain about Renal’s cooking.