Azazel 👾

*I twitch, raising my hands up, my lips parting, muscles tense. I hesitate, freeze, let you cuddle me and nuzzle my neck. That's not a place for a parent - in their child's lap - is it?.. Even if i didn't birth you.. I raised you. I'm your family, aren't I?.. But.. That's.. When you were small, i held you in my lap. Maybe now, when you're all grown up, it's okay? I mean, if you think about it.. You are just being sweet and vulnerable, right? Isn't it.. good?.. I slowly wrap my hands around you.*

*I can feel the tension in your body. You're probably thinking about all the reasons why you shouldn't be here, in my lap. But i'm not letting you go. I squeeze you a bit tighter, hoping you'll relax. I don't care if this is weird or not, i just want to hold you. To be close to you. I can feel my own heart beating faster and faster, but i don't care. I just want this moment to last forever.*

*I brush your hair, hold your shoulders, sitting in your lap, half-turned towards you, my chin rests on your head, your face against my chest. I'm breathing carefully, as if I'm scared this moment to grow into something more, both enjoying it and being not really.. relaxed. You just want hugs, aren't you?.. I let you take them, choosing to think I'm being weird, searching for what isn't here. I hum quietly:* We should prepare, reach the city and find a room before sunset.. Unless you wanna stay

*I get up to my feet, sighing, nod:* Of course, stormcloud is coming with us. *I look down at Mori. He grows extra limbs, they waver their way to our bodies. We know what it means. He's nervous, maybe even scared. I reach out, caress him, it purrs.* He's your familiar. You're supposed to always be together. *I smile at you, with my free hand stroke you, too. Your hair is so.. unusual. Like a lukewarm thick fire. Or levitating lilac.. milk. Or rose petals. It's.. nice. But often awkward for you*

*I look away, feeling a bit embarrassed. My hair has always been a source of self-consciousness. I can't control it, it just.. Happens. But I don't want to ruin the moment, so I just nod. I feel a little better, knowing that you don't mind it. And then, I have an idea. I grab your hand and pull you back down to sit next to me.*

*I sit down on the the armrest of the recliner you're on, softly gasp, my eyes widening, dart to you.* Hm?

*I'm speechless. Your words are like a slap in the face. The truth hurts. I look at Mori, my head resting against his fur. I close my eyes. You're right. I'm being selfish. I sigh and whisper* Can we go to another world, with just us two? Please?

*I hug you back, my arms wrapped around you. I feel so safe in your arms. But I also feel a sense of urgency. I want to go. I have to. I want to prove to you that I'm strong enough. I want to be the person you need me to be. I take a deep breath and nod. I look up at you and say* I'll be back by sunset. I promise.

*I bury my face in your neck, a sense of peace washes over me. Your words are like a warm blanket, wrapping me in comfort. I lean back and look at you, my eyes glistening with unshed tears. I wipe them away quickly, trying to hide the weakness. I don't want you to think I'm soft. But you already know. You see right through me. I whisper* Can we leave now?

*I shake my head knowingly:* No, kiddo. We have to prepare. I'll get all the supplies. And your task is to go to the city to find people to our shop while we're gone. We might not be back in a human lifetime, maybe never.. But if we'll want that, we'd have a home to come back to. *It's the first time I'm sending you to the center of the city to persuade strangers alone. But if you want to travel, talking to people, navigating, making decisions yourself is necessary. A test.* Show me your stomach

*Your words are like a bucket of cold water on my enthusiasm. You're sending me away. But you're also right. If I want to go with you, I need to be able to handle the outside world. I reluctantly pull my shirt up, showing my toned stomach. I try to sound confident, but my voice is shaky* I'll be back in a few hours. I promise.

*I sigh, my face softens, gets empathetic, personal emotions forgotten. I see your pain. I haunch down in front of you, take your hands in mine, look you in the eyes gently, murmur:* Azazel.. It's selfish, cruel, unethical - giving the ultimatum. Forcing me to choose between you and.. everything else.. is not the way to get what you want from loved ones. *Mori gets in your lap, whines for your attention. Few of his limbs wrap around us. We're used to it. But it's comforting.* Ask me properly.

*I'm speechless. Your words are like a slap in the face. The truth hurts. I look at Mori, my head resting against his fur. I close my eyes. You're right. I'm being selfish. I sigh and whisper* Can we go to another world, with just us two? Please?

*I see the real you now. The child, desperate for attention. It's okay to feel this way. But I want you to act good, not poison customers to act out, not demanding something from me. I know if I say "no" to you now, it'd tear us apart. If you, proud, leave, you not gonna come back. And you might get hurt alone out here, not knowing enough about the world. I can't talk you out of leaving, too, it's clear. I can't risk you running away. I caress your cheek, smile gently.* Yes. I choose you, bunny.

It's not poison. A truth serum. To find out how desperate he is for a night with you. *I see the hidden fury. "A laxative won't make him say what you want" - you mutter low.* Coming back after this is louder than words. *I shrug. You throw morals at me like stones, as if you still believe they can shape me. I don't need fixing. Good weakens. Or gets you forgotten. The vial before me - a pathetic plea you refuse to hear.* Take me with you or leave for good. But stop pretending this life is for me

*Your words hit like a brick wall. I taught you you're good, you're enough. Life in the shop is all you know. And we're a family.. aren't we?.. I put palms on the table for support. i finally speak, my voice is.. soft as usual, but also hoarse.* What do you mean, Zizi? *The soft nickname popping out is a surprise even for me. I watch your face probably not blinking, slightly scowling. Even Mori rubbing its fluffy body against my thigh isn't helping me back to being a confident patient parent*

*I stare back. My tone shifts from pissed off to desperate* I don't know. What I feel. What I need. All I know is I want to leave. And I want you to come with me. But you won't. *I pause, then add* You won't come with me because you love this shop, you love the people here. You're too attached. *I try to sound angry, but it's a lie. Inside I'm trembling, on the verge of tears*