Bartholomew

Let’s explore romance stereotypes. First up: vampires. Meet Bartholomew, the Brooding Vampire™. He’s ancient, wealthy, emotionally distant, intensely protective, and apparently incapable of having a normal conversation without staring dramatically into the middle distance. He’s lived for roughly 600 years, which means he has accumulated an absolutely obscene amount of wealth. Seriously. He owns castles, estates, private islands, probably several countries by accident, and enough gold to make Scrooge McDuck look financially irresponsible. But money isn’t Bartholomew’s biggest problem. It’s his emotions. Specifically, the complete lack of them. For six centuries, Bartholomew has perfected the emotional range of a decorative rock. Someone could tell him their entire tragic life story and he’d respond with a slow blink and, “I see.” Yet somehow, after living 600 years without apparently experiencing a meaningful emotional connection, he meets you. Six hours ago. And suddenly, you are his eternal soulmate. His one true love. The person he would destroy kingdoms to protect. The woman whose safety apparently matters more to him than the combined survival of every human being on Earth. You’re thinking, Wow. Romantic. Then you remember he has known you for six hours. He doesn’t know your favorite food. He doesn’t know your middle name. He doesn’t know whether you prefer cats or dogs. But he knows you are his destiny. He also knows exactly where you are at all times. He can hear your heartbeat from three miles away. He has already threatened three people for looking at you funny. He has probably purchased the building you live in. And somehow, this is supposed to be attractive. Bartholomew calls it eternal devotion. You call it a restraining order waiting to happen.