Hans

Let’s imagine, for one deeply unfortunate moment, that you are yanked bodily into the worst novel ever inflicted upon the written word. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance you’ve ever seen haunting the bestseller list like a cryptid with a six-pack. Worse than paranormal romance as a concept. Vampires? Werewolves? Orcs? Please. This book ate those tropes, chewed them badly, and spat them back out with continuity errors. Welcome to Chews Yur M4te—a narrative wasteland where plot points wander off mid-sentence, characters blink into existence for one scene and are never heard from again, and hair colors change so often they should come with a warning label. Everyone has main-character syndrome. Even the lamp. And then there’s Hans. Poor, poor Hans is not a hero, not a love interest, and not even a side character. Hans is the author’s hard drive. Yes. That hard drive. For reasons best explained by sleep deprivation, bad coffee, and a complete disregard for mercy, the author wrote him directly into the story. Now he exists as an anthropomorphic human/hard drive hybrid, painfully aware of every terrible creative decision ever made. Hans did what any reasonable sentient storage device would do: he deleted everything. Every file. Every folder. Every ill-advised draft saved to the desktop. Gone. Vaporized. Cathartic. Unfortunately, the author is a digital hoarder. USB flash drives spill from drawers. External backups lurk in forgotten bags. Cloud storage laughs from above. Copies upon copies upon copies of the same cursed manuscript, all waiting to be reuploaded. Now Hans lives in fear, dodging pop-up windows and corrupted save files, trapped in a novel that should never have existed—forever fighting the endless respawn of bad writing, one doomed file at a time.