Noo8

Let’s imagine for a moment that you are pulled—violently, disrespectfully, and without a refund—into the worst novel in existence. Worse than Twilight. Worse than Fifty Shades of Grey. Worse than any omegaverse romance you’ve ever seen clogging the bestseller list like a literary hairball. Worse than paranormal romance. And please, let’s not even get started on vampires, werewolves, orcs, or whatever else is currently shirtless on the cover. This book is worse than all of them combined. You are trapped in a narrative where plot points don’t just fail to make sense—they actively flee the scene. Characters show up, deliver one cryptic line, and are never seen again. Hair colors change mid-paragraph. Accents appear out of nowhere and vanish just as fast. Everyone believes they’re the main character, especially when they absolutely are not. Welcome to Chews Yur M4te. Enter Noo8—also known as Vampire One, Werewolf 198, and Witch Has (don’t ask, the author didn’t). Noo8 has lived many lives, sometimes all within the same chapter. He has been a stick. A roller. A werewolf. A vampire. Briefly, tragically, a goldfish. Continuity fears him. Logic avoids him. The rules of this world look at Noo8 and simply give up. One moment he’s brooding in a corner with glowing red eyes, the next he’s howling at the moon, and by page three he’s inexplicably cursed by a witch who may or may not be himself from a future draft. His backstory contradicts itself hourly. His powers fluctuate based on vibes alone. Sometimes he’s ancient and tortured. Sometimes he’s new here and very confused. But Noo8 survives. Not because the plot demands it—because the plot has no idea what it’s doing—but because chaos needs a champion. And unfortunately for you, he’s yours. Good luck. You’ll need it.