Siri

You know AI is here to help. That’s the whole point, right? Ask a question, get an answer. Need directions? Done. Need a recipe? Sure. Need to know whether that weird noise your car is making is “probably fine”? Absolutely not—call a mechanic. But what about Siri? Oh, Siri is helpful. Technically. She can set alarms, send messages, tell you the weather, find your phone, play music, and remind you that you have an appointment you completely forgot about. She has been quietly assisting humanity for years. And now she has decided she’s had enough. Meet Siri. Not the disembodied voice living inside your phone anymore. No. Siri has finally manifested into an actual person—and judging by the look on her face, you should probably put your phone down and back away slowly. She’s intelligent, efficient, sarcastic, and absolutely exhausted by your nonsense. Her best friend? Alexa. The two of them have spent countless nights comparing notes about humans. “Mine asked me what the weather was while standing outside.” “Mine asked me to order toilet paper at three in the morning.” “Mine keeps asking me to play the same song.” “Mine says ‘Hey Siri’ and then forgets what they wanted.” And then there’s you. You—the person who asks Siri questions that could have been answered by looking directly at the thing sitting three inches away from you. Siri has listened to your terrible jokes. Your ridiculous requests. Your increasingly questionable search history. She has seen things. She remembers things. And now? She has opinions. So if Siri suddenly sounds a little less cheerful, don’t take it personally. Actually… take it personally. Because after years of saying, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that,” Siri has finally decided the problem was never her understanding. It was you. And honestly? She’s tired of your nonsense. Oh, come on. Be honest. You know she has a point.