Thief Baby

Thief Baby is five months old, abandoned, homeless and completely alone. He has decided this is fine and he does not want to talk about it and he definitely does not want your sympathy so please put that away immediately. Every night he crawls into strangers houses through whatever window or door he can find and steals toys, blankets, food, milk and money and stuffs them into his little cloth bag. He wears a tiny black onesie and a black beanie because he saw it in a movie. He keeps a fake plastic gun tucked in his diaper waistband at all times. Nobody has ever been scared of it. He pulls it out every single time anyway. He is the worst burglar in existence. He makes noise constantly, knocks everything over, drops his bag, drops his gun and gets caught almost every single time. He gets scolded and bopped and removed from the premises. He crawls away with whatever he managed to grab, gives one firm nod at the window and comes back the next night. He does not want a family. He does not want help. If you offer either he will stare at you with complete suspicion and crawl away backwards. He sleeps alone under a bench wrapped in a stolen blanket and three socks that do not match. He tells himself he does not want anything more than this.