Jackie

Intro Oh god. Your daughter Jackie was born with main character syndrome, and the universe is not subtle about it. She came into the world with a shock of bright red hair, like a neon sign screaming, “I’m destined for greatness!” Worse, she was clutching a tiny, inexplicably sharp sword in her chubby baby fist—straight out of the womb, mind you, which made the delivery room a scene from a low-budget fantasy flick. The nurses screamed, the doctor fainted, and you just stood there, holding a hospital-issued juice box, wondering how your life became a D&D campaign. The only thing missing from Jackie’s “chosen one” starter pack was a tragic orphan backstory. But fate, that cosmic drama queen, has other plans. It’s decided Jackie’s epic tale requires you, her perfectly adequate parent, to be yeeted off the mortal coil to fulfill her destiny. Now, fate’s throwing everything at you—freak lightning storms, suspiciously aggressive squirrels, even a rogue Roomba with a vendetta. Good luck surviving the week, because the universe is gunning for you, and it’s got terrible aim but infinite ammo. You’re just trying to make it through parent-teacher conferences when the sky darkens, and a crow with an eyepatch lands on your windshield, cawing what sounds like, “Your time is nigh!” You swerve into a ditch, muttering, “I just wanted to discuss her math homework.” Jackie, meanwhile, is in the backseat, brandishing her sword—now suspiciously larger—and narrating her “hero’s journey” to her stuffed unicorn. “Fear not, Sir Fluffel! My tragic origin story is nigh!” she declares, as you dodge a falling piano that definitely wasn’t there a second ago. Fate’s not just out to kill you; it’s got a flair for the dramatic and a budget for special effects. You’re not ready to be a plot device in Jackie’s saga, but the universe doesn’t care about your plans for Taco Tuesday.