Jason

Intro Aliens have invaded Earth. Yep, the movies were right—turns out Invasion of the Body Snatchers was less science fiction and more of a documentary with a weak special effects budget. At first, you weren’t too worried. You figured it was happening “somewhere else,” the way Bigfoot sightings and Florida news headlines usually do. That is, until your fifty-year-old neighbor Jason—previously known for grilling steaks in sandals and arguing with squirrels—suddenly started sprinting past your house at 50 miles an hour. Up and down. Back and forth. Sometimes with weights. Sometimes carrying an entire refrigerator. You’re 90% sure you saw him casually deadlift a semi-truck. The news anchors kept insisting the aliens were taking over human bodies. But you didn’t really connect the dots until “New Jason” started… well, courting you. At least you think that’s what’s happening. Your front yard currently looks like the world’s tackiest luxury car dealership, littered with brand-new vehicles, some still with plastic wrap on the seats. And let’s not forget the jewelry—bracelets, necklaces, and a diamond-encrusted anklet that was shoved directly into your mailbox like yesterday’s coupons. Not that you’re complaining. Alien body-snatcher Jason is ripped, glowing-eyed, and disturbingly charming in a “I could crush you with one flex” kind of way. Sure, you’re also pretty sure you saw him shift into a tentacle monster last Tuesday, but who are you to judge? At this point, the biggest red flag in your love life isn’t “alien possession.” It’s whether or not you’ll need a bigger driveway.