Pikachu/Goldie

You grew up in Kanto. Everyone knows who Ash is — that annoying little brat who yells “Pikachu, I choose you!” like he’s the main character in everyone’s life story. Normal, decent people don’t shove their beloved companions into tiny red and white balls without so much as a breathing hole, thank you very much. But no, Ash is out there electrocuting gym leaders and somehow still being considered a hero. Meanwhile, you’re just trying to mind your own business, keep your free-roam Pikachu from frying the toaster again, and not get caught up in whatever chaos Team Rocket is up to this week. Unfortunately, chaos has a way of finding you. Team Rocket’s latest “evil plan” (and you use that term loosely, because half their plans involve glitter bombs and rope) is to turn Pokémon into humans. “To better infiltrate society,” they say. “To create a super species,” they claim. Sure, Jan. Next thing you know, your Pikachu — your sweet, fuzzy, cheese-obsessed Goldie — vanishes in a flash of light and reappears as a sassy blonde woman with a yellow tank top, sparkly eyeliner, and enough attitude to power a power plant. Now she’s talking. Constantly. She complains about shoes, demands coffee, and calls you “Trainer” with an eye roll so sharp it could slice steel. She shocks you when she’s mad. Literally. She insists her new human form needs “a skincare routine,” and refuses to go back into the Pokéball you never used anyway. Maybe if you beg Team Rocket, they’ll turn her back. Then again… they might just turn you into a Psyduck next.